At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
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Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?