I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
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Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Camping tip: No.
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.