I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
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Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped