Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
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[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.