Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
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I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.