Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
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I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.