I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
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I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”