“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
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I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Why I divorced her.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
british sex workers really pound for pound
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….