My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
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This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S