I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
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*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
My love language is hissing.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.