ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
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You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.