Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
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Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?