Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
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Quadruple digit IQ
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
Lassie, get help!
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.