Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
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Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
Holy moly
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
My biological clock is wheezing.