One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
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I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?