[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
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My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas