Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
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*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed