Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
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By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
worst…sale…ever
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Covid like
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes