Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
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They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
My dad.
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*