What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
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I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers