Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
You Might Also Like
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.