Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
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Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
doctor: the bad news is you鈥檙e dying
me: so there鈥檚 good news?
doctor: not for you, no
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
if god isn鈥檛 real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That鈥檚 right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
gimma back my stick frost man… 馃槚鈽冿笍
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Me: I鈥檓 gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I鈥檓 gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
My husband doesn鈥檛 think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I鈥檝e never been so determined to prove him wrong.
I don鈥檛 understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Starting to think I鈥檓 single because of everyone else鈥檚 shortcomings.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…