TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
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Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.