[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
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Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
he was correct
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*