“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
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An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids