What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
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Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
The cashier just checked me out.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry