Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
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Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
Labreador
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.