If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
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[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn