[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
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Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
japanese corn
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
Midwest trash talk
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.