me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
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Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
are they though??