“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
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*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.