God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
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If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that