Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
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Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
Okay me first
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot