has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
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(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?