Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
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apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k