Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
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If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
new career option?
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
How times have changed.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
that de-escalated quickly
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂