First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
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Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
HOW DARE YOU
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!