Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
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I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
Good point.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.