I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
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ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did