How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
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IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Optional boss fight.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts