Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
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WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human