Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
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Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton