I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
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According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party