My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
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If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
LOL!
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect