If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
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Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Is this the real life?
Is this just
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.