Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
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boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
#FunnyLife Insects
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
The photographer’s assistant
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving