Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.

If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.

It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?

I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can

has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?

“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.

Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.

There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.

According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.

dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.

there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing

Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……

Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.

i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it

Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.

I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.

*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*

“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic*

*stunned whale crowd loses it*

Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.

Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.

Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.

How to make emails sound livid:

“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”

Me: *pees on her leg*

Her: *screams*

Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!

Security: That’s for STINGS.

Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*

Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?

Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”

I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.

i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room

[On phone with circus]

Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”

Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”

Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”

Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”

Hannibal: *hangs up

“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.

* hears opportunity knocking

* chooses cheese instead

To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.