Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
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we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.