Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
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If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat