MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
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can you read it!!??
maan!
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
when mom throws a party…
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
The French cow says MEUX…
Think I pulled my liver
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…